4. Resolving Conflict with Schools
In an ideal world, schools and families would work together in harmony to provide the best education for each student. While this is true in many cases, the reality is that even good school-family partnerships can turn sour when conflict happens. However, disagreements can be temporary, and you can preserve good relationships with school staff by remaining calm and following the steps below.
When I have a disagreement with the school, how can I resolve the conflict?
Always start by speaking with the school staff member you are in conflict with. Resist the urge to go directly to that person’s superiors first as they will most likely recommend that you go back to address the issue with the person in question.
Speak up!
Five steps to getting around disagreement
- CLARIFY: Ask questions.
- GET THEIR PERSPECTIVE: Understand the other’s perspective.
- FIND COMMON GROUND: Look for points where you do agree.
- ADD INFORMATION: Give more information that might help the other person change their mind.
- STATE YOUR POSITION CLEARLY: Make sure to explain what you want clearly.
An example of using the 5 steps to get around disagreement
Step 1: CLARIFY
Math teacher: “I know you think he needs extra help. I think he needs to just buckle down and pay attention in class.”
Parent: “So you don’t think he needs extra help?”
Math teacher: “No, I think I can teach all of the students in my class.”
Step 2: GET THEIR PERSPECTIVE
Parent: “Do you feel like I am saying you’re not a good teacher?”
Math teacher: “I guess I do feel that way. I haven’t had a problem teaching students before James.”
Step 3: FIND COMMON GROUND
Parent: “We agree that James isn’t doing well in math, right?”
Math teacher: “That’s for sure. I know he is a bright kid so that’s how I know he’s just not applying himself.”
Step 4: ADD INFORMATION
Parent: “That’s interesting that you have noticed him not paying attention. Last year, a teacher suggested James might have problems paying attention, and I find that he doesn’t stick with things very long at home.”
Step 5: STATE YOUR POSITION CLEARLY
Parent: “What I see is James having problems in math and I want to figure out the reason why. I want to make sure he gets the help he needs.
How do I know when it is right to compromise?
Know your goals. Think ahead to what you would be willing to give up and what your bottom line is. When a place for compromise arises, take the time to think it through. What are you really giving up? Are you sacrificing the heart of what is important to get something less important? Or are you holding out for something that really is not essential to your goal?
How do I identify and clarify my goals?
Go through a process of breaking down your goals and deciding which are most important. Start with the broadest, most general goal that you want to reach. Then list as many specific parts to that goal as possible. Then examine each specific goal and break those down into smaller parts. For each part, ask, “What is the most important thing here? Are there issues on which the school agrees with me?”
An example of identifying and clarifying goals
Imagine this situation: Ellen has been expelled because she threatened another student. Ellen’s mother suspects that she has a disability that has not been addressed and that probably led to her current problem. Her mother starts listing goals and ranking them as follows:
BIG GOAL: Get Ellen back into school with appropriate services.
Rank Variations on the big goal
#1 Ellen goes back to school
---- same school
#4 ---- before the end of the school year
#3 ---- with services that she needs
---- with a different teacher
#2 Ellen has an evaluation to find out what she needs.
The expulsion is removed from her record.
The expulsion is changed to a lesser punishment.
By going through this process, Ellen’s mother can talk to the school about her goals for Ellen. The school might not agree to everything. Because Ellen’s mom has figured out the most important things for Ellen, she is in a better position to decide whether to keep pushing.
Is there really more than one way to handle every situation?
Yes, always. Looking at James’s situation from earlier in this publication, let us assume that the parent and math teacher have talked for a while and cannot come to an agreement about what to do about James’s problems in math class. The parent has options:
- The parent could decide to wait, get more input, and seek alliances with other teachers.
- Parent: “I think it might be good for us to talk with other teachers and see if they are noticing the same things you are. They might have ideas about how to handle it. They might have noticed a pattern of problems. We could work together to solve them. I’m going to contact other teachers and people who work with James.”
- Or, the parent could decide to give up his perspective on the problem and defer to the teacher’s, hoping she will have ideas on how to proceed.
- Parent: “Do you have any ideas about what might help James concentrate and work harder in class? I would like to help you put those ideas to work.”
- Or, the parent could decide it’s time to move quickly on a number of options including:
- Moving James to another classroom
- Finding help outside of the school
- Asking for a special education evaluation
- Talking with the principal about the problem and asking the district to provide help
- Paying for a tutor
- Changing schools.
- Parent: “Well, you and I have different perspectives on this. I know this problem involves more than James’s need to apply himself. I have worked with James on his homework and have seen him trying hard. I am going to pursue other options and try to get extra help.”
More than one way
There is always, always more than one way to resolve a problem. Think through your options. Force yourself to list at least three different ways to achieve to your goal.
Not every option is the right one for a student. To decide what is right for a student means knowing the priority of one’s goals in any situation. The fact is, there will be some situations where there is no middle ground because your goals and those of the school district conflict.
What about when I feel that school personnel are being disrespectful to me or my child?
Let them know, fast. Let the other person know what you sense and how you feel. Bring up the issue immediately. Do not wait until later. The other person might not be aware of how you feel. Give them an idea of ways to improve communication. Tell the other person:
- What you feel, “I feel _____.”
- What happens that makes you feel that way, “When _______, I feel ________.”
- What you would like to happen differently, “Please __________.”
Remember, be respectful, and watch your tone of voice and body language. Talk to others in the same way you want to be talked to.
An example of clearing the air when you feel disrespected
Here’s what a parent says when he doesn’t get a response to his phone calls:
Parent: “I have made three calls to your office during the last week and have not gotten a return call. I’m feeling like you don’t think this is very important. Please return my call so we can discuss this situation.”
Or, listen to how a parent deals with someone she believes is not listening to her:
Parent: “Could we stop a minute? You keep interrupting me and it makes me feel like you don’t care about what I have to say. I would really like you to please listen to me before responding.”
What do I do when I have hit a dead end?
Always start by trying to resolve the conflict at the lowest level. If you are not getting any results, do not give up.
1. Go up
- If you are stuck and cannot work things out with a teacher, go to the principal.
- If you are working on a discipline issue with the Vice Principal and cannot get anywhere, go to the principal even if the V.P. tells you that discipline in this school is their responsibility only, and the principal does not deal with those issues.
- If you have reached the end of the road with the Principal, go to the district Superintendent.
- And, if you get nowhere with the Superintendent, go to the school board.
- If the problem involves special education or a matter of discrimination, consider contacting state and federal agencies that deal with these issues.
Try not to blame a teacher or other individuals. Stay focused on what your student needs. Try starting out with “I have a concern for my student. I have talked with [teacher, principal, etc.], and this is what happened...” By going up the chain of command, you get other people involved who may have fresh ideas. They may also have a “bigger picture” perspective that helps resolve the issues.
2. Go in
Examine your goals, review what you and your student want and re-evaluate your tactics. Decide whether you should completely change course, and re-approach the district with a new offer. Make sure you have not become stuck on points that do not matter.
3. Go out
Seek other parents, families or community advocates who have tackled a similar problem. Ask how they did it and see if they have any advice for you. If you cannot find someone who has encountered this kind of problem before, go to people whose opinions you trust. Even if they are not experts, a fresh perspective can help.
Check with your local legal services or bar association and see if you can get free or low-cost legal advice or representation. If you can afford it, hire a lawyer.
4. Go over, go under, go around
There is always, always more than one way to resolve a problem. Think through your options. Force yourself to list at least three different ways to achieve your goal. You can find ways to get to your goal without giving up the important parts of what your student needs. The key is not getting stuck on just one path to the goal.
School District Hierarchy
School Board (Highest position in School District Hierarchy)
Elected by voters to set goals, conduct strategic planning, hire and oversee the Superintendent, adopt the school district budget and create district policy. They report to the voters and their community.
Superintendent
Is hired by the school board to manage the school district. Oversees staff, finances, and academic programs. He or she reports to the School Board.
Principal
Reports to the Superintendent or the Education Director. Manages school staff, student body, school budget, and daily school operations. Works with students and their families.
Teachers and school staff (Lowest position in School District Hierarchy)
Work directly with students and their families. They report to the principal.