3. Communication: The Heart of Good Advocacy
A key to good advocacy is being aware of how other people respond to you. What does the other person see and feel? To communicate effectively, you need to figure out the best way to get your points across, and that means being aware of things that can interfere with your message.
What is the best way to let the school know what I need for my student?
Think about HOW you are communicating as much as WHAT you are communicating.
The “How” of communication
Studies have shown that people pay more attention to body language and tone of voice than to the actual words spoken.
Most people do not think much about the tone of their voice and the way they move their bodies.
A. Your tone of voice
Listen to your own voice and think about how you use it. Do you talk louder when you are trying to make a point or think someone disagrees with you? When you find yourself in that situation, slow down and take a breath. See if you can make yourself speak more softly for a few minutes.
Do you sometimes use a sarcastic tone when you do not agree with the listener’s position? Take a second to ask yourself if the way you are talking with the other person will help or hurt your efforts to accomplish things for your student.
If you are going into a situation where you know you will be discussing a difficult topic, practice the way you would like to say things ahead of time. Pick a sentence and practice saying it out loud with different tones. Soften your voice, change the pace, and try emphasizing different words. Listen to what you think would be the most effective way to get your point across.
Practice using different tones of voice to communicate ideas
Try saying this sentence out loud to yourself and make the word that is highlighted the strongest word. As you listen to yourself, think of how the meaning changes when you emphasize different words:
Why was she suspended?
Why was she suspended?
Why was she suspended?
Why was she suspended?
While the basic meaning of the sentence stays the same, emphasis on a particular word will convey a perspective and will often imply something that isn’t said by the words alone.
Checking for understanding
Math teacher:
“I think James can succeed. All students can learn. I feel he just isn’t paying attention in class.”
Parent:
“I’m so glad to know you feel he can succeed. I just want to make it clear that I think he needs extra help to do it. Do you know what I mean by extra help?”
B. Your body language
It is amazing what the body can say without words. The problem is that body language does not always say the same thing to everyone.
When someone puts her hands on her hips during a conversation, one person might understand that to mean she is angry, while another might read the action to mean she is committed to working on the topic being discussed, and a third person might see hands placed on the hips as a sign that she is tired!
The same is true for actions such as crossing one’s arms, slouching in a chair, standing very close to another person, or backing away.
Think about your own mannerisms or habits. Do you ever roll your eyes when someone says something you do not agree with? Do you sigh or laugh when you feel frustrated? How about clenching your fists when angry? These are very common mannerisms, but they can offend others and shut down the lines of communication.
If you are concerned that body language may be getting in the way of your advocacy goals, try some simple tricks to neutralize things. Hold a notebook in your hands, put your hands in your pocket or up on the table. If you feel like you will soon be rolling your eyes at a speaker’s comments, look down at some papers and read them for a minute.
If you are talking with a teacher, and she feels you do not respect her, she may focus on that rather than the goal you want to accomplish. She may not want to go out of her way to help you because of the way she imagines you feel about her.
In making your points, there may be times when you do not feel much respect for the listener, or when you are so frustrated you feel like you cannot see straight. The key is not to let these feelings get in the way of accomplishing your goals for your student.
The “What” of communication
A. Choose your words carefully
Choose words that open up communication rather than words that turn up the heat. State your message accurately. Do not exaggerate it. Be honest. How can you get across ideas when you are worried the person across the table does not understand? Here are four steps that can help.
B. Get your ideas across
If you have an important point to make, you can do four things to increase the chances of your listener understanding what you say:
- SIMPLIFY: Explain what you need clearly.
- GIVE EXAMPLES: Give examples that support what you are saying.
- REPEAT YOUR POINT: State your point again.
- ASK QUESTIONS: Ask your listener a question to make sure they understand the point you are trying to make.
Understanding comes before agreement. Make sure that there is understanding before moving to resolve conflicts or differences. The way someone responds to you can tell you two different things:
- Does the listener understand your point?
- Does the listener agree with your point?
Once you have clarified that the other person understands your point, move on to working out the areas where you disagree.
An example of using the four steps to get your ideas across
This is how a parent uses the four steps in talking to a math teacher about his son James:
Step 1: SIMPLIFY
“I feel James needs extra help in his math class.”
Step 2: USE EXAMPLES
“James has not been doing well in math for some time. He failed five tests and got only Ds on the tests that he did pass. When I try to help him with homework, I feel like he is missing the basics.”
Step 3: REPEAT
“James needs help in order to do well in math.”
Step 4: QUESTION
“Do you think extra help in math class would give James a better chance at doing well?”
Ask questions and listen
Any time that you are dealing with school personnel, do not do all the talking. Ask questions. And listen to the answers. Then, ask more questions to clarify the answers. Asking questions will help you:
- Get all the facts
- Understand and be able to respond to the district’s perspective
- Communicate to the district that you are an interested party and want to work together on issues.
Can’t think of questions to get the conversation going? An old reporter’s trick is to go through the five “W’s:
Who? What? When? Where? and Why?
Pick any topic and think of five questions, starting each one with one of the W’s. You will be surprised to see how much important information you can get.
An example of using the 5 W’s to ask questions
Here is how a parent asks questions when she runs into a problem getting records for her daughter, Sherita:
Who is responsible for sending Sherita’s records?
What records will you send me?
When do you expect to have the records?
Where will you be looking for the records?
Why can’t the records be sent to me sooner?